


Noah's Ark

by graspthesanity



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Mafia sugar baby Hux, Trans Hux, Transphobia, Underground musician Kylo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-19 08:11:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7352950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graspthesanity/pseuds/graspthesanity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux has been stuck in the same loveless relationship, and is hiding that he's trans. The only time Hux truly forgets everything is when he visits music bars. One night he encounters an underground musician Kylo, who makes Hux reconsider holding his secret and start a pursuit for something in life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Banana Phone

It keeps snowing.

It falls in rather big chunks, which I'm sure if you spread out evenly they will be constellations in the sky, which would also happen if one would look up and see the snow threading its fingers up to the clouds, which make sure to cover the slow day sky. 

I don't say a word though, instead I just keep quiet, folding my arms on my chest, before realizing how much discomfort will the action cause. The whole desire to be thankful is long gone, because such is the human mind. Once I told him what was wrong with me, he just accepted it, grabbing the biggest scissors we had and told me to cut off the hair. He claimed that he would love me under all circumstances and that me being a man meant little change to him. Money was never an issue as I would never understand where it would come from and the scent of other perfume and cologne would still be on his skin sometimes. After a while, it vanished, as soon as I stopped loving. I didn't even dare to have anyone else on my skin, I would have nightmares of someone unwrapping me and seeing everything behind all the cloth which I'd wear even to bed. 

The documents were changed, my parents were long dead, so there was no family to tell of mine that now they had a son. And even then I'd always gone by Hux, so changing the name was something he had done for me, me just waving my hand that I wouldn't care. 

Some people say that love goes away with age and I really think it does. It hides at least, for sure that I can't find it, no matter how excessively I clean. 

I don't know how people cope with two men walking down the streets, we never hold hands or anything, the only time we touch is in bed and I've already thought of everyone when he's inside me, even the younger guy he has which always comes around and I guess does the dirty work, whatever it would be. I always thought that it was drugs, but I'd never seen them or heard any drug talk. So the question remained, but since my love was gone I did the favour of never wondering what he did that brought in such money and a change of documents to the core and no one batting an eyelash of him living with a man so intimately or someone who seemed to be a woman not so long ago.

As I cut the hair, I told myself that I would always love him, that surely someone who wouldn't mind waking up in the arms of another man was worth loving. But there was something always off. It wasn't even the ridiculous age difference and I had lived up to my thirties in this trapped marriage with no children, because I always said that I would never get pregnant and things remained that way. 

I told myself that it was all my fault, but the thing was I wasn't too young to run astray or any other person had caught my eye. I just felt lonely, he'd be gone for the day and I didn't want to interact much with the world, after all I had always feared that my voice or anything about me would give it away, no matter how tight I would pull the bandages around my chest and stick a sock in my pants. I would shave just to make the skin rougher along with the small hairs which were all that I was graced with. I enjoyed it, at least when the foam would cover everything and I could imagine that I had a beard. That seemed joyful enough. 

Eventually the evenings would lead to being split up, I would just enjoy going somewhere for dinner alone, as he would find some meetings to attend, just before the day would end, in the beginning I cared whether the meetings were with a man or a woman, his bisexuality was something calming for me to the end of the day. Maybe that's why he accepted me so easily. But either way it was a way of joy for a good while. 

I tried not to think too much, as I tried a new place, choosing a new location each day and shyly ordering a drink and sometimes some food just to listen to some music, which so many people considered underground, after all it wasn't praising the regime. On the opposite, it was brushing it with dishonour, but it was the energy which drove me to these places and they were always with a nice check, full of people were I could just blend in. Sometimes women would approach me, asking if I were interested in anything at all, but I would always make some lie that I was waiting for a friend, even if my partner would never show up because I asked so. In a very rare instance it would be a man, which I would look at it but we would sit in silence as he would listen and soon enough leave. And it wasn't like I had the courage to cheat. I knew that I had nothing else going for me. 

I left with a haste kiss, both of us departing in nearly opposite directions. I wondered how would it feel if I were still in love. What even was such a long lasting love anyway?

I had no idea and nothing to confirm it either. Mine had faded away because we had read different books, listened to different music even if he would put on a facade of being interested, soon enough he stopped it, knowing that I would never leave and his love was the leash around our necks. 

The restaurant was crowded as usual after a long walk through the clouds of snow, as any other place and music was blasting rather loudly, tons of girls in front of the stage, as some goofy song was playing, exposing the band with notably no drummer, which was odd because the drums were in front of everyone, close to the black singer. Soon enough, right after I had ordered some new drink which was the new house favourite as the menu discarded on the table said, a young man went through the crowd with rather longish black hair. Some people greeted him and the singer smiled, even if the drummer was clearly late. Now, I had a full view of him and he was rather striking with pale skin and there was just something magnetic as he joined the singer in the song. The whole room changed as he came in, the song becoming far more energetic with two voices and specifically his loud deep one, as he made sure to look at everyone in the room. He seemed to be known in this restaurant and could possibly be one of the reasons it were so crowded tonight. Soon enough they both went towards the crowd, asking them questions, causing the girls to blush and avoiding the men. 

I quickly made eye contact with the man, as he nudged the singer briefly, nodding towards me, but they never approached me, keeping it to the female gender, which I presumed was part of the brief off-stage act. But I kept my eyes fixed on the male with the long hair, standing out against everyone else and I wondered how did he not get into further trouble by looking so flamboyant even if his clothes were plain, just like the rest of the bands. I sometimes missed the red locks I had cut off, but it would have just been confusing for everyone since I didn't have all the best masculine features and the lack of a beard and the body I had always bothered me. I tried my best to work out everyday, pondering how to make myself more masculine even if people had never tapped into my secret. 

For a brief moment I wished that I was a girl again, just to get a question asked and giggle, but I hadn't giggled in years and I'm sure that I would've struggled with it as much as crying. It's as if the years had dried up my soul and I couldn't get even one tear out of my eyes. 

The evening progressed with even goofier songs, which told stories near and far of how everything was around the land and some love stories here and there, about girls with bright eyes which left their husbands for the said singer and something would go wrong. Everyone listened, danced and those who knew would sing along. In the end I would just make sure, as I ate, that I would keep my eyes on the singer just like everyone else would. He was deeply charismatic. But I didn't know if he even looked twice at men, even if he briefly nudged the singer. They both were entangled in a bunch of talks with girls, so I assumed that they were interested in them, then. Well and there went my luck. I finished eating and pondered on desert, before eyeing the singer one last time and leaving, thinking that I could come back again indeed. I thought that it would be the end. It seemed like a fitting short story, that I had checked out some guy who clearly looked different that the rest and he nudged his partner in crime and that had been it. 

I waited outside as my lighter had started giving up on me, for it to start working again. Halfway through the cigarette I saw the singer and the drummer appear for a smoke themselves. I had an instant burst of courage, looking around and walking towards them. I could offer them cigarettes, which was the least I could do after an interesting show. Not to mention the attraction I had felt, it was something I was thankful for. It made me feel a bit younger again and some desire that I could run away and leave. 

“Would you like some cigarettes?” I asked, taking out a pack and motioning to both of them. The drummer smiled at me, before taking one each and handing it to the singer, who told him 'thanks, Kylo.'

That was also an unusual name and I wondered if it was a stage name, which I was clearly unaware of. Then I lit each of their cigarettes, watching them both and wishing I were attractive as either of them, even if it was surely the drummer who had stole my heart with his looks. I just had an average cut and the only thing striking about me was my golden red hair, which had caused people to turn and flirt back when I thought I was female. 

“You were both great, the whole band was. I really enjoyed it.” I smiled at both of them, looking back at the restaurant gingerly and jealously to make sure that no one would disturb the brief conversation path I had gotten. I could hear the sea from here, even if the people are still loud behind the shut restaurant doors. I didn't know how else I could attract them and they were younger than I was, maybe by ten years. The drummer, Kylo, up close seemed even more frail and young. He kept his eyes fixed on me up to the point that I had to look down, as we all three took our first drag together. 

“Thank you, that's very kind of you.” The singer said, grinning and revealing a rather big smile, which I was sure attracted many worthy people. But my eyes were on the drummer, not because the singer was bad, but because it so happened that the flip of a coin landed on another attraction and the drummer was looking at me. 

“Thank you, we really tried.” Then Kylo took a brief pause, before asking me further. “What are your plans for tonight? I am nearly done with my performance. I can even buy you a drink, as you wait.” 

I blinked. It felt rather straight forward and was this how men flirted with men? Was this how easily all was done? I never knew because I had been courted back when I was awfully young and thought of myself as someone else. 

“No, no, I'll buy one myself. But I'll gladly buy you one as you're done.” Or whatever you have in mind, I was going to add, but the wind thankfully was taking away my courage, which I barely had. Kylo smiled back at me, nodding. 

“We could go elsewhere, as well. I'm rather tired of the restaurant since that is where I work, well, partially, just a few times a week. It doesn't bring in too much money, but I'm happy with it and pleased that I get to meet so many different people.” He told me, as I saw that the singer was slowly backing off and pretended not to be listening to our conversation, but I could see how a smile could be reached in his eyes, after all anyone would be happy about their friend finding someone to spend some time with. 

I wondered when had I dropped a code or was it my hair, was it my attire? What was it or was it a plain hunch that made him realize that I was also into men? But even then I was positive that he would surely take his time and dabble into whatever he was planning to do slowly, after all no one wanted to get arrested and whatever fate was there for any caught homosexual. 

“I'm sure it's a great job.” I nodded. “We can go wherever you would like.” 

I didn't really pay attention to how the singer took a step back and was now smoking on his own, looking around, as if the pitch black were day and he would be able to see the sea from here. I just focused on him for a brief while until he looked at me, as if saying that I should really be pursuing my interest and there was nothing to be afraid of, but that was surely all in my head. 

In the end we all three finished our cigarettes and slowly went back inside into the heat, making the thought of not properly closing my fur coat a distant memory with all the heating. Kylo told me to wait another two-three songs, depending on the atmosphere and then we would be able to leave. I wondered what did he mean by the atmosphere, as the place was packed to the rim and girls were still ready to pounce on the attractive young man anytime. Maybe he realised that there was something off when it came to me with the sole reason that I was probably the only man so interested in him today, because all the boyfriends and husbands were enjoying each other's company or making sure that their female companions wouldn't be stomped to death. 

The last four songs (I was deeply surprised that after the fourth the girls let him go so easily, probably under the condition that he would come back again on the next date) were just as comic as the previous ones with both him and the singer singing together, watching every motion the crowd would throw back at them. I waited until Kylo dressed up and sat next to me, as I had drank half of my tea, so I dunked it.

“You can take your time, we have nowhere urgent to be.” But as he said it, it were rather late as I decided that no matter the tea temperature I wanted to get out and find out the place which Kylo had decided to take me to. Curiosity had been killing me through out all the songs, as I nearly would impatiently tap my fingers against the table, hoping for the songs to end abruptly and that we would go somewhere and at the same time I couldn't help but continue watching him play the drums rather carelessly yet with rhythm which was much needed to the songs and smile at everyone from the singer to the other band members and everyone to the crowd.


	2. Chapter 2

I want to picture the moment when people fall in love. 

Somewhere deep down I've wanted to take photos, something which wouldn't involve going over people but rather meeting them briefly just to expose them as if I were cutting a fish open with one slide of the knife. Sometimes I wish it would be me I could cut out and find some feelings, rather than some desire to know what is going around me and even worse. I see myself as a fish on the shore, not knowing that death is near and flapping as if it were in the water. 

I look back at Kylo, who just smiles at me and just nods to keep drinking my tea. I just take a few fast gulps down, to make sure that I get burnt enough, but I try to savour the feeling that it would let me think of the tea when I'm out in the cold to wherever Kylo would drag me. 

As soon as I finish, the drummer stands up and guides me to the way out, waving to some girls already immersed in their giggling in the corner. For a brief moment I wonder how come I didn't end up like them, how come life had taken its carving knife and cut out my flesh, my cheekbones so sharp and the rest of my body so mismatching. If there were a God, how come had this happen? And if I were to have a family and friends how were I to even explain, that I didn't understand what had gone wrong?

We get out in the cold and the snow is still there, falling in huge clutter and strolling around the streets looking as if from a caricature against the huge waves and the sea. I look at him, but we hold our silence for a brief while as we both try to catch some snowflakes and in the distance there are a few snowmen which were surely built earlier, before the kid's bedtime reached to take them away.

I always get anxious about making the wrong decisions and I wonder if following him somewhere, as he tells me to do the right turn, is one of them. I've kept myself to myself all these years, especially after I realized who I really was, I just didn't want anyone to unwrap me and see everything wrong I see in myself. I don't know what's better to blabber or to just pretend that I have nothing to say at all, as Kylo blows some snow my way and I stare at him. I just feel my cheeks contrast the snow clutter. 

His coat is large and black and I wonder what his wage is after all the singing and how he does make it further into the night. Kylo lights another cigarette and offers me one out of his box, which I take, realizing that we had null the cigarette debt. 

He looks like a gawky gracious love which I had lost. I don't tell him that. I don't dare speak of my attraction and confusion he had graced me with, as if it were something which could be so easily blown off by him and I try to tell myself that I barely know him and I am simply attracted to his drumming and goofy singing.

“I really enjoyed your singing and drumming.” I added the drumming, because I felt bad subtracting one of his talents, as he would still tell where to turn as we walked past all the fancy houses, one of them which belonged to me, so I just pulled the collar stronger around me, praying that he wouldn't be back so early. 

“Oh, thank you. I was thinking that I was a bit off today with the drumming, actually.” He smiled at me. “I've never seen you before. I guess it was your first time.”

I just nodded and he looked down, taking my silence as something he should better fill up.

“Then it's a night of firsts for you. It's exciting, isn't it?” And he says it we start entering a park, which frankly I recall reading in the foreign novels which I'd be brought about men dropping to their knees and sucking other men off. I would've grabbed his arm in such distress from the sole thought and full blown on fear of sex which creeps onto me, but I keep going, as we slowly make our way to an amphitheatre where he runs to the front to switch on the light to illuminate the stage so I can see him clearly. I look around, as if Kylo would have been expecting a bigger audience, but it's just me and I can see how awkward we are and how we don't manage to make anything romantic or even utter it in our minds, that we accept that this is some sort of date.

“Who plays here?” I ask him loudly, crossing my arms on my chest, as the cold starts to get to me and I fear anything, that's why I can't speak and I can't get myself to even think straight from the fact that he could figure me out anytime even if people don't address me as a woman anymore, it's easy because the clothing is so segregated.

“Wonderful people.” He replies, going out in the light and inviting me over so that I would get to see all the decorations, all the plastic backgrounds with even more plastic flowers and different woodwork which make even more stage props. Kylo shows me around, the trees making a lovely night sky if you look behind. He takes my hand, to show me around and I just tense up, but ease slow enough. 

Maybe love is getting to know the person instead, as I look down, surprised still at his choice of holding my hand. I guess since we both couldn't speak properly, body language was more than enough to fit into flirtatious ways. 

He just shows me the back of the stage, where all the props are in locked chests, which he claims he has the keys to. I want to ask so that I could dive into all the costumes and manage to throw them around, watching the fabric twirl, making it's own snow and have him watch me as it would slowly fall with all the veils, but instead I just nod at him.

“Usually they keep the scripts here and everyone picks one, as they rehearse.” He says pointing to some chair and I wonder if it would be time for us to leave, because we had seen everything. I don't even notice how I managed to hold his hand tighter from the cold and Kylo just looks at me, smiling. I wonder what plays do the wonderful people play and how do they all look, they all start sounding like fireflies from still being able to dress lightly and play in the amphitheatre. I try to make a mental note to have courage and to actually manage to watch them sometime, even if I had no idea that this theatre existed, but then I would stay locked inside in the beginning, when we just moved in, nearly hiding under the bed and wishing that all footsteps would stop or that he would fall down and drop dead, leaving me to wonder what was it that I would do. 

Then Kylo looks at me brightly, still holding my hand and it becomes so uneasy that I contemplate on letting go, I had never even held a man's hand in public, even if the only people we can see is the invisible firefly ghosts of everyone. It hits me like a rush and I'm sure that my cheeks are a few shades closer to red than my hair is. 

“Do you want to see something else?” And I feel like this is the day of discoveries for both of us, at least I hope it would be for him. He would be discovering how shy I am and thinking of discoveries the first seeds of sex thoughts start rolling in, how he would feel inside-

“Yeah.” I say rather softly and Kylo shows me the way out of the stage of the amphitheatre as we walk down the same stairs we walked on before, leaving new traces of footsteps of plain curiosity which I had shared, leaving them like a doubled past. I look behind me, to see him trailing a bit, but not too far as my hand is like a leash on him. He starts to tell me the directions again, to where we need to go now. 

“Would it be okay if we head to mine's?” I feel myself rather dumbstruck from his invasive comment, but I try to act cool and it is surely no big deal to do so, as I just nod, trying to understand what he is playing on. We walk the park in another way, this time with people so I quickly withdraw my hand from his, quietly apologizing and he seems to be in no sudden kaleidoscope of hurt emotions. I watch all the men and I can't help but imagine that this could be some gay park at night, that's why I haven't heard of it much, because I was considered taken and maybe this was where the teeth marks on my partner's neck came from when we just moved in. Maybe this is where he would dive into such endeavours and that's the least I can do is to imagine everything happening here. 

I can't help but look with hungry curiosity at the men, envying their freedom to do so, even if there was a lot stopping me, I would never do it and I didn't even know if I had the guts to even do anything with Kylo, who just dragged me around places and would locate his gaze close to my own but I'd just shyly look away only to be greeted again by his dark eyes, as he stood in front of me, stretching his hand between us to catch some snowflakes and blow some on me. 

I laughed at his sudden move, turning around as if searching where could the snow be, even if it were everywhere and I crouched to one big snow pile, feeling my coat clash against the ground and someone elses's coat, some passer-by as I quickly built a snowball and threw it at poor Kylo, who had been watching everything the whole time, but still seemed awfully shocked at my sudden take of the events and choosing a snowball of everything than an innocent snowman. Then he proceeded to make snowballs of his own, which nearly hit the passer-by men, but they would flinch in time, at least some did, which weren't alone. 

I wondered how come he lived in a place like this or around, because I was used to the fancy regions near the sea, so that if you leaned enough outside of the window you would be able to either see, smell or feel the sea and in this weather, when all the windows were firmly locked up it was more than ridiculous to believe in something like this, but real estate had its own hidden insanity. We kept walking, while throwing snowballs at each other rather idly and gasping at every hit as if we weren't expecting it at all and soon enough our coats were as if coloured by white polka dots as we came across a residential neighbourhood, now with the park long gone. I gave it one long look, knowing that I would have to look back at it as I would be walking home. If I would be going home tonight that is. But Kylo then clears up what he meant by coming to his soon enough, as if he were a child.

“Do you do any music?” He asks me and I just shake my head, which doesn't even wipe off his grin in the slightest. “Doesn't matter, you just have to say 'no' a few times in the microphone and then 'male'.” 

I blinked at him, confused but figured to go with it. We walk into his house, which is dominated by a large corridor and a woman hanging clothes around. She didn't even spare a second glance at me, as I took off my coat and without hesitation opened the front door again, just to shake the snow off the coat, but Kylo didn't bother doing that at all, he just hung it by the heater which was warming up all the winter clothes on the rack.

I always get surprised when people don't blink at me twice, and even if when they do, my surprise is pretty much the same. 

Sometimes I wonder what had happened to the person I had been, even if I had been a boy all my life, it's sometimes as if my miserable self had become an alternate version of me and the thoughts of hatred that there was something wrong with me just bred this version whenever I would hear of women with the same name I was given at birth. 

But things bend over and give in. There's an expression which goes that God doesn't give you more   
than you can handle. Maybe that's why I had my parents pass away so early.

I just follow Kylo into his room, wondering how come his mother is okay with bringing another man, but then I had forgotten that friends exist and I'm sure that she watches the world under such glasses, never blinking and I wonder how do the others live in such hiding or am I the only deviant one, who sticks to himself and that's it?

It felt like looking outside at night and never seeing any light in the neighbours house or anything bellow. 

Before I can even do anything and glance around, he instantly takes me to a synth on his table, which catches me off guard because I was expecting anything from his penis to a naked chest, but instead I got an instrument and he started showing me how it works and what each button does.

“It's from Japan, it was rather pricey but quite worth it. I haven't been so inspired in a good while-” He stops to look at me and I just keep staring at him. I really was expecting something far more explicit than a synth. “Everything alright?”

And of course he mentioned the song he wanted to record with my voice in it, so that would make sense but I only thought that it would work post-coital or something and I was bracing myself for all of it and slowly started to creep in on excuses, at least now that the synth was involved, but Kylo seemed far more innocent than I had expected. 

“Yes, yes, of course. The synth and the song. That's why we are here.”

“Yeah.” Kylo said looking around his room, as if wondering why else would he drag me here if it weren't for the lovely Japanese synth which was between both of us on the small desk propped against a wall full of posters of artists I could try and recognize and there were far more many unfamiliar faces along with shelves of foreign literature translated and not. I didn't get to keep looking as I was drawn back to Kylo's dark eyes and his fingers clicking on different buttons of the snyth, showing me different beats and talking over it.

“Are you ready? Do you remember the words?” He smiled, as he took out a microphone and put it right next to me.

The song matched everything that came out of his mouth tonight, asking me if I were an object and that he's heading towards me and asking what my sex was, which made me feel a bit uncomfortable, but then how could he even know, so I just let it slide, watching him happily record it.


	3. Chapter 3

The music repeats itself in my head with all its gimmicky words, leaving a thin trail of a smile and amusement. It's completely different from what I'd normally listen to, something far more filled with sorrow and which would match my mood, something to listen to with dry eyes not used to crying and hearing about something which would strip anyone else to their bone. I glance again at his room and as he continues to fiddle with the synth and there's this calm air around us, which could be taken in a painting and be kept in time, even if we would fall apart the next second or just stand up to leave. 

I just sit opposite him and I look at all the photos and cut outs which are pinned to the old walls, which are no match for where I live. I wonder what else is there underneath him and what is it that torments his soul at night-

I glance at him.

If there even is something which torments him. 

But even the happiest people will have the strongest shadows and the deepest cries which go beyond the skin and cuts which they had licked themselves. I wonder how would my place look if I were to just discard all the paintings and take the same photos he has of obscure men and different places he probably has never visited. They all seem to be confused of their location as well as some photos of men under the night sky. I wonder if they are all former lovers and if all have some secret meaning or he had just found them pretty. Kylo then looks at the direction of the closed door and ponders a while, before taking out a pack of cigarettes and placing it on the table. As if trying to see if I would be able to be the culprit on his hands of smoking inside. But instead he just fiddles one more time and heads towards the window, yanking it open and smiling at me. 

I take a cigarette, noticing how much my fingers are shaking from the unknown future which rolls towards us like a ball and I wonder if my life partner, if I even were to choose words for him, I don't know which ones would I choose, as I keep looking at Kylo. I don't know how would this work, how would we even sleep and how would I end up facing him or my partner in the morning. As I drag the cigarette I wonder if sex can change people. I blow out the smoke, realizing that Kylo doesn't know what a wreck he would unwrap of a body. I press my hand against my forehead, holding the cigarette and it's far too late for me to head back and I don't even know which explication would I mouth. 

We don't share a cigarette and for a brief moment, I see a confused look on Kylo's face, as if he himself doesn't know what to do with me. I hope it's not gingerly and I just drag on the cigarette again, watching him. 

“Do you live with anyone else?” I ask him, probably trying to release the poisonous spider to bite me much faster than I would like. I catch myself before I can seem stupid. “I mean, besides your mother, of course.” 

It's as if I'm asking if anyone else can hear us. 

“No, my dad travels very often. He's very rarely home.” Kylo sighs, looking down and speaking in pauses now. “He's always out on his own adventures.”

I stare at him, as we both keep smoking and for once Kylo tries to find the right words to fit everything on the plate he is offering me, as he just puts the hair behind his ears. I watch his long fingers and I wonder how would his hair feel, pulling, touching and pressing my lips against it. 

“He took some of the photos you saw. Not all. I just take and hang the photos of people I've admired who stood behind the lens and a few artists here on there on the wall next to the bed.” He smiles, as if he were still a child and I see the artists now smiling at me instead of the photos above the table where the beloved synth is. Now he's back to smiling at me and it's probably the realization that we're all alone now, both nearly sharing the blanket of the night sky together. 

I wonder if there is something which holds him back, because he doesn't ask me if I live alone. Maybe it's written all over my face even if I wear no ring. I don't even know what would I even ask myself, what would there even be to tell that would even make me a bit interesting, because I had just become myself and that is not something I would tell anyone, even in the dark, I barely speak to my partner. I just lay there in the dark and sometimes I would tell him, how I would wish that surgeons could do anything at all. How I had wished that somehow I could change the way God had made me. I knew that he could change me on paper, but I couldn't play God with my own body. Nothing felt enough, it would just give me more hate in the morning, when I would wrap the bandages around my chest, pressing my head against the wall, wondering how come I was given all of this despair. 

It was all that was felt to my name. 

Sleep would keep wrapping it's way around my neck, choking me as I would lazily continue smoking the cigarette, both of us shielded in silence and I could only give sleep as an explanation, because admitting shyness from both ends would be a bold move. 

“So it's more of an admiration of who was behind the lens rather.” I say and I realize that it sounds more flirtatious than I would've ever expected and I think about how I would hold the camera and the photos which would come from the film, but it would always end up with me barely showing up on photos and lots of my partner. It was because he enjoyed being there on the photo, showing where we had been and what was there around him to remember. 

I feel like with him inviting me over, there's no ruffling in the dark under the covers trying to understand if he would even be interested in a man. I keep sucking on the cigarette, watching him. 

“Yeah, I guess.” But the flirtation seems to be lost and Kylo appears heavily aware of his own clumsiness and not knowing where to go from here. Sometimes I wonder far too much, would the people I care about besides my partner even accept me, fully unwrapped and no matter how accepting they seem to be and young, in memory or not, would they ever accept? I don't speak much of being a man with another man, that is something which is barely uttered among the others, no matter how close. 

It becomes even heavier tumbling and somehow no objects fall, no matter how many times you knock into them. I look outside to see the moon illuminating the all of the clouds, which hang upon us making winter a worse misery than it already is. Then I look back at the musician, but the thing is, neither of us will make a move and we're not aware of the chess board in front of us or rather, we didn't even show our moves or the figures. Neither of us looked down, instead looking at each other in the eyes, never glancing at the fingers moving the pawns.

I wonder if he's not asking, making me available and never to face rejection in the oldest way possible, but as I think that, Kylo stabs his cigarette against the ashtray residing on the window sill and I follow suit. 

“I think it's too late for you to go now.”

I think it is late for me to go now. Is what goes through my mind, as I watch him finish his last word. I just nod, playing with the button on my woollen sweater, looking down at our feet. Then Kylo takes off, opening the door out of his room, I just hear him call out for his mom before he ponders in the beaten up corridor which I guess would look pretty on a photo, something artistic since I am used to everything polished and we, humans, take pleasure in the destroyed cities and unpainted walls. He goes somewhere and I can only gamble whether he would lend me one of his rooms or actually let me sleep in his bed. I recall the incident with the synth and I wonder if this will actually be something like it, what if the answer is simply another room? Or would he allow me into his chambers? 

Eventually he pops his head out and motions for me to follow him. But then it would be better for me to remain separate because I hadn't even voiced anything and I could imagine him screaming and waking up his mother, which would cause a wider ruckus and then I would have to move for sure, no longer aware of how safe I would be. 

I watch Kylo do my bed and I just check him out, as he bends over and I feel myself realize how long it has been since I've desired someone. Probably something I wouldn't even want to count, because I tend to remember numbers. He turns around and I just thank him quietly, wondering already before my head hits the pillow, what would there be in store for me in the morning and how would my partner react to me missing, but I've stayed away before. I've stayed in the bars until morning, sometimes reading a book and just jumping to the next place and spending the day in a sleepless haze. It became so regular that he would worry. Soon enough all the worries would be dropped is what I would tell myself, but he would always care. He would always stroke my hair, as I would lie with my head on his lap. 

I want Kylo to take me away, but instead I am left in another room of his apartment and this could be some bizarre male friendship I have never experienced in such intensity where it's ridiculous that we are not lovers, but the laws make it so that platonic is the only option, because we are never fed anything else. 

“Well, I hope it's alright with you.” He smiles at me and I wonder what does stand behind those words, but I don't ask. Instead I just smile back and thank him, before he leaves. 

I undress, right after locking the door and my hands shake on my bandages, because I would usually remove them, but what if he would pull my covers off? I strip down and decide to leave my shirt on with the bandages and I regret it as soon as I am under the covers. I poke the sock between my legs in my underwear, squeezing it before going to sleep, making sure that I don't wake up with a suspicious pose. 

I dream of incinerating a baby, a strong fear I seem to have every time I would have sex and it would drag me through different fears and specifically when I would reach the time of the month I would ask myself, why would God do this. Why couldn't have God just given me everything and then I wouldn't be incinerating babies in my sleep. I don't curse at him, some small fed religion crawling at the back of my head, recalling my grandmother and wondering how come all the family was dead already, giving me way to being a man so calmly, because no one else cared. Sometimes I would think of them, just as bizarre as the thought of religion was to a communist, because they were so far away that I always thought that I had been alone and if someone told me that it was me who taught myself to speak I would believe it. 

The next day I wake up and I catch myself thinking that I actually expected the evening and the morning to be entirely wrapped in a different way, as I dress up and end up in the same clothes instead of stealing Kylo's, and if I were to dress up in his attire it would cause even more confusion or rather understanding that there is some leg motion happening under the table. I just redress in yesterday's attire and wash my face, far too shy to ask for a spare toothbrush. 

Breakfast is made rather silently as I can see that Kylo has barely slept and I imagine all scenarios where the young musician ended up reading some foreign book for far too long. Or in a more flattering way, was awake because I was so nearby, but I don't flatter myself for long enough as he asks me to pass the sugar. I watch his mom from while to while, recalling how growing up I would be told to pay attention to how the parents reacted to the man I would choose, because by their belief I would be marrying the family as well. It never happened much to me, my partner being distant from his own family, making a show of how age would kill the oldest contacts unless they were work related and somehow only the new ones were tempting, I would be left as the oldest partner. The seal of silence is ripped harshly when he asks me where do I need to be and I reply that I need to be getting home. 

In a few minutes he picks up the receiver in the hallway, still tormented by his nightly demons and calls.

“Hey, Finn, would you be able to give us a lift? Me and...” 

“Armitage.” I say, realizing that I hadn't been able to introduce myself and I picked up Kylo's name on scraps. Kylo just smiles, looking down and I just stare at him before he raises his eyes to look at me. He stretches his hand and says his own name, as I shake him firmly. I wonder if it was in his plans to have a nameless night. 

Kylo seems to be getting anxious and I only try to believe that it's because he has to let go of me now and he smokes two cigarettes in a row, as we wait outside and after all of the warmth of the house and the night it's hard to believe that we're in a white winter. I wish I were a child to throw a snowball at him, but it's not something I would even do back then, so I just hold a brief smile to myself and we're far too intense to do anything besides start smoking all over again.

Finn, the singer from last night, shows up in a very old car, which has surely seen better days but seems to be well kept, as we both go inside, Kylo letting me get in first as I just curiously look around the insides, before Finn starts talking to us.

“How was it then, fellas? All good?” He asks and I wonder if he had also thought that Kylo would score and Kylo seemed to be the only one out of the loop when it came to that plan. I just nod, looking at the drummer, who just looks at me, smiling. 

“Yeah, we recorded a song.” Finn quickly raises his eyebrows but then smiles back at us.


	4. Chapter 4

Yeah, I would've loved him deep inside me and him unfolding me properly, holding me down, his moans slipping into my own. But I don't tell that to Finn or let alone Kylo, because nothing really happened and maybe platonic relationships do exist far more often between men. When it comes to our times of course it's more important to hold one's tongue in their mouth than in another man's. But in exactly how much trouble would I be in if they were to undress me?

How much trouble would I be in if it was Kylo?

After all I have only known him for a sole day. I don't even know why are my thoughts rushing to sex so desperately, as I sit next to him. I keep glancing at him and I was really expecting him to say something, but maybe he thought that he had stolen too many glances as well. 

“Where did you get such a car?” I interrupt the silence, as if the song could be a metaphor for sex and I happened to be prudish and ashamed of it in some way. I did feel that the song no matter how odd it was, that it was something that I'd want to hold onto... at least for a while. Just let it sizzle in my head like a firecracker until all the spark would be gone and maybe then I would share what happened. Like a lost love which you tell your friends when you're old and that your husband can't hear. 

“Oh, there's nothing too special to it. It's German, it was dropped by them when they were retreating.” Finn says, smiling at me through his glasses and suddenly the beaten up car seems to have a spark to it. I look around again and comb my hair back with my fingers, noticing that my fingers are shaking from the incoming encounter. I really don't want to come back home. 

“Retreating? Back in '43?” I ask politely, wondering if I'm actually just pushing it too much, but Finn seems to be in a good spirit and Kylo just keeps shifting his gaze from me to Finn to the road. 

“Yeah, back then.” He replies and I just nod, knowing that I can't really fix my hair even more. I cross my arms, holding myself and look out of the window, just to see that the city hasn't even dared to wake up yet. I should've maybe stayed longer, just let myself enjoy Kylo's presence-

Would this be our last meeting? How would he react knowing that I am actually taken?

“I put in a new engine though, making it a dream of a car.” But Finn doesn't get to keep talking, as Kylo turns around to face me. 

“You're awfully in a hurry. Is there some Danish prince waiting for you or something?” He smiles, probably aware of how invasive that could've sounded or maybe it's just my modest ways and thinking taking the best of me. 

“You could say that.” I sigh. I probably should have said something far more encouraging, but nothing really came to mind in the split second and I wasn't even sure about the nature of the question. 

Wait-

Prince.

Did he figure me out? Or was it all too obvious that I'm gay? Was all of this really not something too platonic? I just look back at him for the rest of our short trip, as we approach the house. I should've told them to drop me off elsewhere, but it seems like their curiosity takes the best of them as well. I wonder if they had even made their way into this neighbourhood before with all the nearly bourgeoisie houses. 

I could've easily slept with him then. I could've easily slept with him. 

Because I happen to be daft, ever since I was a child, I never understood the boys who would say half a phrase, hoping to get a reaction or those who would walk me home in my teenage years. It was something I thought which could be friendship, but the thing is that friendship seldom exists because we all want to taint it with sex so easily. So I'm one of those people which don't give too much thought to friendship as time went on, because when you're with someone you know that they'll hold secrets dear. What about everyone else?

Kylo gets out of the car, but instead I don't say much besides a quick bye to Finn and I can see that he is curiously looking at the house. He gives me a very long look, which I can feel, as I just stand there. Not exactly sure what to do, as I approach him. I certainly can't touch him here because there's nosy neighbours and older people. And after all, I have my partner right there in the house. 

We jerk at the sudden noise of the door opening. 

“I'll see you later.” And I nod, at Kylo who seems to have too many words stuck in his throat, but I don't smile at him. I don't need any excess jealousy from my partner. Instead I increase my walking speed and I would be lying if I said that I had missed him. I don't turn around and I pray that my partner will think that he's just a taxi driver or another person who tagged along in the taxi. 

Thankfully I hear the car engine as I walk across the damn garden, which I don't even tend. But when it's summer we both try to make an impression on the neighbours, harvesting all roses and other flowers which names I had easily forgotten but he would remember. 

“Where have you been all night?” He asks me, but he's not angry or anything. Instead I just nod, making my way past him, as he puts his hand on my back, stroking it. We get inside and I am greeted by a rush of very warm air, which is a heavy constrast to Kylo's and the car. I kiss him, as if I could silence his question and we kiss for a brief while and I can't think but lie to myself that I could feel anyone in a kiss, when you don't really love anymore. And somehow I wish that I was kissing Kylo, just feeling myself unravel in someone else, someone new, someone who maybe would unravel me back. 

“I was in the cafe, I was just watching a rock show.” He looks at me with his dark, sunken eyes and I can only guess that he stayed awake, worrying. But it is a wonderful thing when you can see that one is terrified of losing you completely. It's not even jealousy, it's just plain fear when you see that the beloved is slipping through the fingers. “Then I just stayed over. It was far too late to go back. I'm not one to get into fights, as you know.”

“I know.” And he catches up on his words. “Next time just call me.”

And is that it?

I could've been getting fucked by another man and that would've been it?

How daft are when we are in love? Would another man's cologne on me be okay as well? 

There is even no need to lie. 

“Yeah, I just got overwhelmed and -” I don't even know why am I even doing excuses, as it seems even written on his eyes that he wants to change subject, but doesn't say much. Maybe it's the silent ones which are the most deadly? Maybe it will all backfire and I'm playing with something far darker than I have thought? I am clearly thinking of cheating on someone who knows all my secrets and has seen me underneath my clothes and exterior. 

“I actually spent my evening reading poetry.” I take off my coat, dreading the impending winter which seems to have far too many snowy secrets ahead and will blatantly try to freeze the sea over, which is tries every year for no good reason. I guess it would be something it would be able to brag about, if succeeded. 

“Oh-” I start, but he interrupts me. 

“let the sun beat  
on our forgetfulness  
one hour of all  
the heat intense  
and summer lightning  
on the Kilpatrick hills

let the storm wash the plates.” I just stare at him, coat in hand. 

“It's a lovely poem which caught my eye called Strawberries.” He sighs. “It just got me thinking a lot. It's not really too complex or anything, but it says a lot and makes you want to treasure time, really.”

“Will you join me for dinner tonight?” I just look around, as if there is someone else. I hang the coat. Somehow today's formality burns me a bit, as if it is something done for the first time ever. We've been together for years and even more to bear. 

“Of course.” I hold myself from shrugging, from making it far too casual. Holding onto something, holding onto some belief that somehow I could scrap some love, but my mind was cast away and with each second I couldn't help but wonder how Kylo was and how he tasted all over. “Why wouldn't I?”

And I think that the question is more aimed towards me than anything else. 

He offers to go to the place I had been to, saying that he needs to meet someone else as well. My blood goes cold and I'm sure that my lips had managed to turn blue, but instead I just walk further into our house, which feels as if I am walking into his embrace. We chit chat a bit, before he turns on the television eventually to rewatch the crime show I had missed while I was away with Kylo and I pretend to be interested, but for once, during the romantic scenes I don't just look away, but I keep looking, wondering how would it all be. How will all the dice land. 

I surely don't tell him that it was the same place as I sit besides him as we watch the said crime show. His fingers went through my hair, making sure that it wouldn't go out of place too much because he knew that it would annoy me even if I wouldn't speak much of it, then I would just take much longer in front of the mirror. I frankly hated mirrors, because I could see that not much had changed, that I still looked very young and no matter how much I had shaved or had him shave me, nothing would change. Same went for my body. 

I wondered if there was some magician which could do a trick on me, even for a few minutes, give me the illusion so that I would know how it would feel to be something I wouldn't stray away from in the reflection of a mirror. It felt like sadism when I would look myself in the eye. I felt tired living by all the rules which seemed to tie me down. I sometimes felt like I was a caricature of one gender at first and now another. I tried the best I could to be a woman and that failed. And now I was making sure that no one would see me as nothing other than a man. I just wanted to forget about perfection even if it was so deeply nailed under my skin, I just wanted to forget-

A knock startled me, as I kept looking at myself in the mirror and it was time to leave. To put on the same coat and eat the same food and see the same Kylo, hopefully. 

He kept trying to do small talk, even asked my stance on the poem he had then recited fully in the back of a taxi, but I just remained silent, looking outside. What if I was vain? Was I vain for not loving someone anymore? And how would I even speak of such?

I missed dressing up sometimes, I thought of the whole act of it all, it felt like a standing ovation performance from myself. That I was fooling everyone on who I was on the inside. But that was enough. 

I remained silent, barely speaking and greeting his long lost friends. I felt like he had invited them over to fill in the silence and maybe they would get me to talk, since I could barely find the words to share to my partner who had made everything for me. I was surely ungrateful. 

“We met before you were born.” He said softly and I glanced at him. So they knew about our relationship. It wasn't that we were such a big secret to his friends, but every time it would make me tense, knowing that someone knew he had a male partner and no one really knew much about my past and what was under all the suit fabric. Then he looks at the smaller male companion, who smiles at his wife. They both seem unremarkable, but her pearls are something which reminds me that I have had when we just started dating, a gift of course. And it was given under another poem quotation. Maybe that's how he hides his anxiety. “And he just kept going on and on, that he had found a wife. That he would marry. That her name was something... medieval.”

They smiled at each other and I just kept my eyes on the menu, not doubling the couple's reaction. I made sure to grab a seat so that I would be able to see Kylo and Finn. Maybe it was sudden that I made a dash to said seat. I would keep watching the stage from the corner of my eye. I didn't want to seem anything other than discreet. 

“We're blessed.” The wife starts saying and I feel my cheeks heat up as I see Finn and Kylo emerge from behind the stage to adjust the musical instruments. But I look at her, instead, just to convince myself that I am still in the discussion. “We've been blessed with a grandson.”

And then they hold a pause, looking at my partner. 

Ah.

“That's wonderful.” He says. “But unfortunately such a blessing will never knock on my door. I've had my blessings in the form of a young man.”

He looks at me and that's when I look up and I'm sure I still look cold, but grateful for his words and I give a small smile, just enough to make it like an act for myself. It is pretty filled up with people and waiters serving, all have decided in my mind to see the enchanting musician. I look up again to see the stage, but Kylo doesn't notice me, he's far too busy talking to Finn and giving out a small laugh. 

I wonder if we should be far more discreet, but I calm myself down with the husband and wife's smiles towards us. Maybe people wouldn't care if they had actually known someone instead of hearing some old twisted myth and the laws upon us? I keep my eye on the musician, which fascinates me from while to while, until I see him leave towards the bathroom. I steadily stand up and excuse myself without waiting for a response. 

I don't even properly know what I am even doing. 

I just keep a distance and take a while to look around, at the paintings in the hall before the men's bathroom and with a long sigh, knowing exactly what I am doing I nearly knock and head in. I wait enough so that he would be leaving. 

It dawns on me that is probably the worst location I have chosen. But he's done and washing his hands, jerking his head towards the door as I walk in. I glance towards the empty and open stalls, thankful.


	5. Chapter 5

There are loves which we've unfortunately forgotten. Faces we won't even remember and memories which will never make us tremble again. I've heard enough and I've experienced enough. I tried to push him out of every single memory I've owned of him so far, but nothing was getting close and going into a stall with him, barely feeling my legs take me was bizarre. I wanted to kiss him so badly, but instead we just stood with a very small gap splitting us apart. 

I've always hesitated to kiss anyone. 

I've always felt the fear run deep down in my veins and the adrenaline pumping, I always wanted to see how far would the other guy go, what moves would they make or in other words... I would always get cold feet. 

Eventually the drummer puts his hand on my neck and I don't realize that I've been looking down this whole time. 

“Don't be scared.” He says softly and he pushes himself against me. I grab him by his shirt, the last moment before lightning strikes and we kiss. It's a very hungry kiss, I can only start counting time once it's gone with it's teeth pulling lips, pulling each other closer and rubbing tongues. I can feel him fully erect against my sock and I am terrified that the texture would somehow be terribly felt. 

“Fuck.” And now I push him against the wall, earning a thud from him and I hear the door open, but we're too busy kissing, moaning into the kiss and I don't hold and put my hand on his erection. Kylo breaks the kiss and looks at me. 

What do I say?

Don't touch me that way...?

The musician puts his finger on my lips, tracing it down my neck. 

I don't know how any of this is done at all. I've only been with my partner. He knew what I needed and I knew what he liked. What was it like with someone who had no idea-

Was I doing a grave mistake?

Kylo starts with the first button of my shirt and I take his hand with no explanation. I kiss it instead I remember how I had once sucked off my partner in a bathroom, a memory long forgotten but which could work easily. I have been gone for a good while now, no returning. I put my hand down his pants and feel the cheap cotton of his underwear, feeling the heavy contrast between our lives all over but somehow our passion intertwines us. 

“I'm not ready.” I mutter, stroking him through the fabric, he's big and precum drenched the fabric. 

“You're literally touching my cock.” Kylo whispers back. 

“Just don't touch me yet...” Now is his turn to take my hand out of his pants. He looks at me quizzically, because it's not exactly a thing to turn down an offer to have sex and I'm assuming coming from a man. My lips starts trembling and he just pulls me into a hug.

“I also want to touch you.” Kylo gently kisses my neck. “It's okay... whatever it is.”

I am not who you expect me to be under all this clothing, I want to say, but I'm still me and I'm still a man, just under a different package. 

I want him inside me so badly. It's one thing when it's my partner, another when it's someone I don't know and I wish I could find the answer in his dark eyes. I wish I could truly know that it's okay. 

I can't help but wonder how will it feel to have him inside me, not even because of his size, but because it's him. I want someone else, I have long lost my partner somewhere along the way. I didn't know why had my love cooled off so fast and suddenly. It wasn't the age difference, maybe it was because I had decided to settle? At times I wondered if I was just having a terribly bad day, which seemed to be lasting forever. He was always besides me, so why was I dreaming of another man inside me? Why was I craving Kylo so crazily? 

Why was I so attracted to this poor musician, who would never be able to provide for me the same way my partner had? Why did I think of his house, how he lived with his mom? I could see myself walking down the long corridor and how I would have a simple breakfast and then I couldn't help but wish getting fucked by Kylo in his room. I wanted him to unwrap me, to see my body and not be shocked or disgusted by it in any way. If he was indeed a homosexual, would there be something stopping him? Would he be able to see past my exterior and accept me still as the man that I am?

My mouth was dry. I couldn't dare to speak. Fear was strangling me, not even letting me croak my concerns. Kylo just looked at me, worried, my hand still on his cock. He then softly took my hand. 

“What's wrong, Armitage?” He whispered, getting closer to me so that his breath was upon my lips. I closed my eyes. What the hell was I supposed to say? Not only were gay and lesbians erased as much as possible, I didn't exist, no one was trying to fight for my rights even if I had started hearing talk of sex surgeries. I was scared and I was just quietly waiting for my partner to find out more. I knew that I wouldn't be touched by anyone, while with Kylo, I had no protection-

Maybe that's what made it worse? Because a person cannot truly be in comfort ever. We always need to be struggling to be happy. We are our own saboteurs, specifically in love.   
I kept looking at Kylo, who seemed to be waiting for any explanation at all. I just looked down, before he kissed me again. We were so early in knowing each other. He opened his mouth and I obliged, letting our tongues rub against each other once more. 

What do I even say? Please take it slow? I wasn't helping by moaning directly into his mouth, as he undid another button and I knew that soon enough he would reach the bandages around my chest. I could dismiss it as a wound. But what about what was between my legs? We would make a mess if we were to have sex here. It was making my head spin terribly. I couldn't give out my biggest secret for a plain crush, no matter how tired I was of my life. I was safe. I was risking everything already. 

We kept making out as if we were still in school. Kylo didn't push it further, even if I had my hand down his pants, for a while. We were just enjoying each other's mouths desperately, now even hearing Kylo moan. Then we both realized that it was time for each of us to go back, so I pulled away, as he looked at me with huge puppy eyes, begging me to stay, I looked down and saw how desperate his cock was for attention. 

I went on my knees. 

“Don't say anything.” I whisper and I take his cock out, biting my lips at the size, the precum already built up that I don't hold and lick at instantly. Kylo moans. 

“Armitage...” He moans, leaning his head back and even hitting the back of his head against the stall wall. I've lost count of how long we've been together here. But I need him. 

My fingers dig into his hips, as I take as much as I can of him. I can feel myself tremble, because now I'm fully aware of what I'm doing. I'm cheating on my partner, properly now. 

This is no longer a game of under the table flirting, but it only fuels my desire with how much I take his cock in my mouth and hold from gagging, but it doesn't help. He's far too big and turned on. The musician grabs me by the hair and starts fucking my face. He even pulls out and slides back in, hitting the back of my throat, ignoring my gagging, looking down to check on my flushed face and I am awfully wet from everything.

I keep blowing him, wondering how good it would feel to actually have him inside me. But alas, not now. 

I speed it up a bit, by stroking whatever doesn't fit in my mouth of Kylo's cock, as he stops fucking me and eventually he grunts, thrusting forwards and ejaculating right into my mouth in several spurts. He sits down and kisses me, tasting himself, before I turn away and spit it out. The last thing I need now is to properly have sperm breath. Kylo laughs lightly, rubbing my lips and I stop his hand before it touches anything close to my sock. 

“I need to go.” I say, nearly coldly, which is supposed to be push him away, at least for now. He strokes my cheek. He leans and whispers into my ear.

“I owe you one. Anything you want, Armitage.” He grabs me by the chin, so that I'm facing him. “You can fuck me and cum inside me, for all I care.”

He smiles and my lips go cold.

“I'm yours.”

I look away and nod, standing up. My whole body goes cold. I stretch out my hand for him to stand up, he fixes himself and is left with a confused face as I want to exit the bathroom, trembling entirely and watching myself in the mirror, blank as a paper before I leave Kylo behind. 

Kylo plays that night and I make sure to eat plenty of food, terrified that there would be some evidence. I have some absurd idea that caviar would simply mask everything. He keeps glancing my way, as he even gets off the stage and along with Finn, they walk around, singling and I fear that his hand would stroke the back of my neck, but it doesn't and neither does my partner suspect anything. 

Instead we are left with a great performance still considered not so patriotic, which my partner doesn't mind, as well as being far too western-influenced. I don't make another turn for the bathroom when Kylo does, glancing at me. I am far too terrified. 

To my utter surprise I am taken to the theatre which Kylo showed me, in the coldest winter the city has probably seen, yet the most beautiful, even beating the photos I had seen of a snowed up version of it on paintings and post cards. I act as if I had never seen the place. My mind running around with me being on my knees and taking Kylo's cock as deep as 

I could and his idea that I could somehow fuck him. 

I lean against my partner, which is nothing unusual for a brief moment and then we both straighten up, after all everyone is watching the performance. 

“...And long ago we had said everything and love? Love left.” The small actors sing, holding hands, the scenery of a restaurant behind them, causing me to flinch, but I pretend that I'm just shivering, unused to the cold in such a classic warm location. I look down, my partner's eyes still glued to the stage. 

What is really going on in his mind?

When will he notice? How long have I been out of love?

In the end, the actors end up together and we are left alone to walk home, since it's not as far. He insists on talking and I listen, but it's only for me to whom the world has turned over. I keep touching my lips when he doesn't look.

I do undo my bandages that night, remove my sock and we have sex. I go on top and try to think of Kylo as less as possible. But I can feel his finger running through me and I don't think I've made love that passionately in a while, but he still pulls out as usual, because pregnancy is nothing I ever want to face. We both collapse from our own orgasms and 

I go into his arms, feeling cold from earlier and from the fact that I simply cannot fathom anything anymore.  
I wake up in the middle of the night and sit on the toilet, as I start crying. I shouldn't be doing this to him, it strikes me all of a sudden, but nothing else is left. I wonder if I should've packed my bags long ago and left to Kylo, so I smoke in the bathroom, knowing that I am acting normal. I've woken up to cry before and for a cigarette, this is nothing new and he had never noticed or if he did, he would sit besides me, on the bathtub and we would speak of life, of people and of love. 

But I no longer felt anything. 

“The more you work, the less you make in the end. It's all bullshit.” He says as we have breakfast in bed the next morning, before he leaves. I don't break the habit of walking him to the taxi, with an umbrella as the snow falls thick and no longer thin as it had previously in my dreams. I get back into bed, wondering what would even fall of me and everything I had done- 

Why-

Why-

I had no answer. 

Rather, I didn't want to say or think. Instead I just touched myself to Kylo, spreading my legs wide and using one hand to finger myself, the other working on myself and I had been just as wet as last night, thinking of the musician. 

I'm yours.

I cum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a really long while and frankly, I had put this in the hiatus drawer, not sure if it would see the light of day again. But it did. I saw Star Wars again, I started another Kylux story and both stories explore different sides of my identity and sexuality, where I speak up and besides that, which I am growing to love a lot. Noah's Ark is dear to me because I've always loved the movie which the story is so heavily based on. As I've previously talked about, you can even find Assa on youtube. But I've changed it a lot, leaving the bare bones of romance to work on and the setting.   
> I'm trying to avoid speaking of spoilers at all costs, because I've got different things in mind. 
> 
> Also, the love I've been given from the Kylux community is amazing and what keeps me going. I wouldn't have done without every single one of you. 
> 
> This is no longer under hiatus and will be written further, so expect more updates!
> 
> Thank you so much!


	6. Chapter 6

I've dreamt so much as a child, so much that I wouldn't remember now what was reality and what was just me wishing of things, so many places I've been to and so many that I've just erased. I was blessed to have a nice life. I was blessed that it simply carried on, but somehow I was throwing everything away. 

I seemed like the strangest child, I would do things which were expected of me and I didn't at the same time. I was normal yet strange. I always played pretend and I was always the dad which would come knocking on my friends bedroom's doors, I never understood the appeal of being the husband to women, I had no desire, but instead I had wanted the fantasy to somehow become true. Now, I turned around, nearly crying, I still recalled everything in perfect detail. I would ask him, I would tell him about it all and he would listen. Then he took my hand and asked me if I would be his husband. I cried then, it was before I would compress my chest, my hair had been short like it had during my entire life. But something changed, something finally snapped and I felt free.

We moved. It was the beginning of our relationship, but I knew what it was like to have someone older and wealthy, it came with loyalty. I knew of his previous relationships, it was mostly with men, so it wasn't like I would be the first, surely to first to express such a unique desire and say some things he would never hear from anyone else. 

I knew back then, that he was the one. That he would love me forever. What I hadn't known was if I would love him forever. Because you can be sure in other people, but never in yourself. That's why the mirror lies, that's why it's crooked or why it breaks. I've always been scared to see my reflection in a broken mirror, I knew that seeing more than one of me would be terrifying if I couldn't find peace with just one of me. 

I dread everything in this life, it circles my thoughts as if I were doodling with a pen under a phone conversation. But I do end up dressing up again after my wank, washing my hands thoroughly, as if I were washing away some sin, but no such things exist. I look up at the mirror, seeing how pale I look today and I wish I could somehow grow some facial hair, but then even my partner isn't that rich on that department. I could see Kylo had it in him, but he would clean shave just like everyone else. I guess only seamen would do it these days, but then maybe Kylo would. After all... he had long hair, which was already an act of rebellion these days for a man to do. It had nothing androgynous about it, he was just as masculine as the next guy, but something magical was about it. I wanted to tug on it, I wanted to fuck him somehow, I wanted to pull his hair as I would do so. But I would never feel.

I lit a cigarette in the bedroom, exhaling the smoke nearly as fast as I had inhaled it. I could barely hold it in my mouth, lungs. I needed to get outside, I realized, sometimes if I would spend too many days inside, I would go crazy, but I felt the sudden need starting to creep out on me by the edges, holding me down and telling me to just start going wild. But instead I just dressed up and left. 

I did two circles around the small neighbourhood, until I found the courage and, frankly, hunger to go elsewhere. I wasn't a good cook and neither was my partner, which meant that we mostly ate out but money was never an issue. I didn't question much his business, which he barely spoke of, all I knew is that I had to smile and people would treat me nice-

They knew he was interested in men mostly, so I wasn't the first. But when we just started being together, I remember I got some comment thrown my way.

I close my eyes shut, recalling far too many stinging words. 

Another memory flashed, how I had the idea of checking with a doctor, who was a friend. He was awfully surprised to hear it all. How could it be that someone born the way I was... wanted something else? How come I was so good at hiding my secret? How come fate had given me such a good deck to play the game of life with? He was baffled and spoke of many things, but I had my partner in the room with me. I thought he would get violent, but he didn't, neither did. We just left and I had never heard of the said person again. I wondered if somehow my partner played his own cards right to protect me in a way. 

But I was bored with life, I didn't like the way it was going. Everything felt far too smooth and I had no idea where I would end up with my whole thrill of adventure and the sudden appearance of Kylo, he felt like an unwanted character by the author of my life, who just wanted to sneak in, grab a piece or the whole thing, grab it, wrinkled and leave for good. 

But then what was it that Kylo really wanted? Well. He surely wanted me sexually. But what was there anything beyond that? Was I alone in my bizarre desires which I wouldn't even let be seen in the night. I left it as sexual desire for now and I had no idea how much more would they bloom. It seemed to be an insatiable desire. I wanted him badly. But now wasn't the time, was it? 

How would someone else respond to that? What if he was simple minded? Sure, he seemed to like men... but would he want me in every way that I was? I couldn't change my body. I just had to live with what I was given. I was never blessed under this curse when it came to sex. I wanted everything, I wanted the closure gay men would get, I wanted to get off properly instead of rubbing, I wanted to fuck someone else, but all of that was impossible for me. Everything was like a bad dream, which wouldn't end. But at the same time I was blessed, I had my partner and now, I recalled my whole interaction with Kylo as well as me touching myself to him. I wanted him. 

In the end, I walked into a cafe, just to see him in sunglasses and a beret, scribbling on something. He was far too immersed to even see me, but instead I kept walking to him. Kylo made my whole body ache and I had flashes of how good he tasted, how good it felt to think of him and the mere thought of having him at least inside me... was overwhelming enough just to keep me standing there, with the snow still on my coat. I didn't take the umbrella this time. Let it fall, let it destroy my well groomed ginger hair. I didn't care. 

“I'm really sorry.” I state as I walk up to him and he just raises his head from the notebook. Kylo smiles somehow, but he's far too immersed I see to even register what am I even apologizing for. He closes it, I'm still surprised by his very leisured attire. But then he's always one to wow me with his bravery since we all look the same these days, sure, you can easily tell a guy from a girl but that's about it.

“Oh. Stop it, I've walked out on guys... just freaking out, really. Sometimes it's a lot to take in...” He drifts off in thought and smiles again. “It's alright, Armitage.”

He puts his head in his hands. 

“With every person it's different. You'll know when you're ready and what to do.” There were too many things I wanted to tell him, how angry I seemed at my life, how instead I just cried and if things were different I would be ready, I would've fucked him there and then. But instead all I can hope for is his good will and understanding. I don't even know how to distract myself properly, when he's on my mind, even if we've briefly met each other, I still know how he tastes and how he groans, how he thrusts in my mouth, I know those parts of him. I know about his father, his mother and how beneath it all he's a different persona, a different facade, but then aren't we all like that? We're all lonely, no matter how close we get to destroying that feeling. We just happen to despite ourselves too. It's a problem on top of a problem, it's a fucking matryoshka doll. Only the problems grow bigger. 

How do you tell a person you wish they could take away all those feelings away and leave you with a blank slate? Maybe fuck them all away? I no longer had any ideas, only fear that I was doing the wrong thing. He continued to doodle in his notebook appearing thing, sometimes flicking through pages. Maybe he was hurt? But he seemed too bizarre to be hurt by something so mundane, so human. He seemed to be on another orbit, where everything was great and he was sipping his coffee, before realizing that I was without one. He ordered one as soon as I agreed to one, before I could protest. He knew I was far more wealthier now. I wondered what the hell was even going on in Kylo's mind. 

I didn't want him to give up on me. I wanted to talk about it, I wanted to tell him that I had too many surprises under all my clothing, but I couldn't say it in a cafe and time seemed to be melting away very slowly. It felt like the winter sun, a fake illusion of something which was supposed to be warm. How does one even open up to someone new? 

“What are you even doing?” I ask curiously as he keeps scribbling and barely touching his coffee, but always lifting his eyes up to check if I'm still there, as if I couldn't be real. I mean, it wouldn't be a first if someone sucks you off and vanishes away forever, I guess. 

“I'm writing a book, actually.” He says and looks up to smile at me, pushing it gently towards me. 

“What is it about?” I say cautiously, taking it carefully as if it could burst and all the pages could be scattered. It's filled with images and post cards which I haven't seen in his room and I'm guessing he had been collecting for a while. 

“It's about everything. From the start... to events a few days ago.” My hands go a bit cold and I feel like my whole body gives out a small tremble, but I keep switching from page to page, it really seems to be covering random things, how humanity started and I'm not sure I want to be a character in an artistic project on my knees in a bathroom of a restaurant, sucking him off, but at the same time... is that really such an important thing to him? I look at him and he just looks back at the book, nudging for me to keep on reading. A man sits next to us, since it's a rather small cafe with his own coffee, causing me to close the book and put it in front of the musician, as a sign that I will check it later. I'm not sure I'm ready to see anything explicit at all. Drawing or written, do I want to know about how good it felt?

“It's a good book.” Kylo keeps on going. “Won't burn and will drown in water.”

The man, I notice is now in his old age, looking curiously at the book. He points at it, before asking the same question I asked Kylo a while ago, before I started flicking it. The old man doesn't reach for it as Kylo explains that it's about everything. 

“Will survive a space catastrophe, gramps.” He remarks proudly and leans in towards the older man. “I've tested it out.” 

“Son, nothing can survive that.” I wonder if memories will in the last few seconds, when we will all experience the last few seconds. I wonder if it will be like an intrusive thought or if the mind will be kind enough to let us think about the things we love one last time before we turn into space dust? “That will be a tragedy and no one of us will survive, we won't be living here.”

“Maybe we should switch from talking about such tragedies?” I snip the conversation off, as if it were a ribbon or a loose thread, but Kylo seems to be prepared for such an answer, he puts a hand in his coat pocket and takes out a cassette. 

“This is for when you'll feel tragic, that fact of your fate is something I've thought of.” He tells me. 

“What makes you think that I'll feel tragic in my fate?” I ask him, just as sudden as his move was. He doesn't seem phased by my question at all. 

“Now the real tragedy is me.” The man continues in the background, as I keep on watching Kylo who switches his attention to his coffee, I'm not even listening to the man. “I live with my mom only. For eight damn years!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm snipping a lot out since this is based on a multi plot movie, because I want to keep it from Hux's perspective only, so I'll have to deal a lot with how to show the other story lines and whatnot, but the original idea was just to focus on Hux/Kylo. I've been moving a lot from the movie, while keeping some iconic lines, even if I'm not directly quoting or making everything as it was in the movie. I'm currently doing Camp Nanowrimo and I got a bit tired of just doing one project, which is really not like me and I've been dying to do some Noah's Ark and here I am. 
> 
> Thank you so much for all of the love and support for it!

**Author's Note:**

> This story is heavily inspired and even an Assa AU, which is a great 80s Russian movie. What's taken from it is the loveline, which is between the main character who is trapped in a loveless marriage and an underground musician. But a lot has been done for the change and what remains is the bones of the relationship and the setting, which explains Hux's surprise at Kylo's long hair.


End file.
